Tuesday, July 20, 2010


19th and 20th July 2010

Tears trickled like a stream during heavy rains on Sunday night as I suffered with tremendous pain, I rated it a nine out of ten, it was in my shoulders and travelled up into my neck and the back of my head. I would sleep for approximately half an hour after a massage and heat then wake again. I just wanted to sleep well ready for school on Monday and I was becoming more distressed and anxious each time I woke. The morning came and how I felt is really indescribable, perhaps I could say I felt like I had been on a gruelling adventure that left me battered from head to toe.

Life goes on though and I had to go to school, so I raised by weary body and with Mum's help I somehow was ready on time. The weather looked like how I felt, it was disastrous, so bleak, overcast and inclement. Many excited voices filled the classroom as the teacher marked the roll and we headed off to Chapel. Chapel is a time for reflection and I thought this would give me a chance to compose myself and try to overcome my intense pain and tiredness. We heard about the story of Noah's Ark and how he had faith and trust in what God asked him to do. Then we were told that we should be proud to have faith and to never feel ashamed or embarrassed to talk about our faith to others. I know that I have done this frequently in my Blog, like Noah I have been given a journey to fulfill, I don't know when I will fulfill it but God is there beside me all the way even though I do sometimes question where he is taking me.

After Chapel it was time for PE, although we were not starting athletics this week, I was still included in what the rest of the class was doing, they were finishing a unit on Volleyball and even though I could not play volleyball I had the opportunity to pass the ball to Ally in my class who is sporting an injury and is unable to participate also. Our arms became heavy and tired after we had thrown to each other for about fifteen minutes. I think that was my upper arm exercises for the day, I also found that my right hand had swollen and was rather painful but I had enjoyed the experience.

The last lesson for the morning was Insight and we worked on a code breaker using mobile phone numbers and letters. This was quite easy for me to do, as I had been able to do lots of puzzles when I was in hospital last year. I was glad when it was recess because I was still feeling completely exhausted and just wanted to go home for a warm drink and a rest.

As we walked home, it began to rain only adding to the misery of the day. Once home I was comforted with a lovely warm cup of tea, a hot water bottle and the security of being indoors. I wanted to play Upwords, then had a rest before it was time to return to school after lunch for Double English. This Term we are looking at Science Fiction and we had the choice of two books to read; The Giver or The Lake at the End of the World. I chose The Giver because we had found that at Salvation Army during the holidays and I thought it was easier to follow, as The Lake at the End of the World is written with two people's opinions in it and that could become very confusing for me to comprehend. After choosing our books we had to read for twenty minutes, after fifteen minutes I found my eyes felt heavy, began to flicker and the writing in front of me became a blur or words all running together and all I wanted to do was lay my head on the table and go to sleep. Doing the morning then the afternoon at school was such a challenge for me, when I came home I burst into tears, my whole body ached, I felt ill, my head was viciously thumping and I just wanted to curl up and go to sleep. I had a wonderful warm shower hoping it would pacify my woes but I just sat in there, I have a shower sitting on a shower chair as I am unable to stand and I continued to cry. When Mum got me out and dried me, I slumped on the bed, exhausted and I slept for half an hour. When I woke I was still drained and in pain but at least I was paralysed as I had felt earlier.

I set myself a goal at the beginning of the school year to be able to attend school full time by the end of the year, after yesterday I am doubting whether this is gong to be possible, but I know I have to continue to be determined.

A few hours sleep again last night, this time every time I moved my shoulders clicked and I was in pain, my knee became stuck and I had some breathing difficulties again. What is it like to sleep well? I wish there was some way that I could sleep a full night without waking, I think that would feel like heaven.

I stayed in bed this morning drifting in and out of sleep, as today was not a day that I go to school and thank goodness as it gives me a chance to recover ready for tomorrow when I do have school again. I think your body guides you as to what you can and can't do and yesterday mine was telling me I had done too much.

My morning was spent working on a title page for my Integrated Studies Scrap Book that we have this Term. The sun was shinning brilliantly, such a different day compared to yesterday and in the late morning Mum and I went for a walk, to enjoy the fresh air and sunshine and also to pay our rent, it was a short outing but I did enjoy the lovely Winter day that we were blessed to have today.

We played Upwords and then Mum read some of the book The Giver to me, it is so much easier for me to concentrate when she read to me rather than my flickering eyes trying to follow the words and comprehend what is happening in the story. I have decided to have a Mummy special and rest before we have to take Jarrett to running training this afternoon.

Tomorrow is a busy day, I have school until recess and have the opportunity to enjoy my new electives; Textiles and French and then we have to collect Nalani and take off to Deakin, she has been fortunate enough to get an appointment tomorrow at 11.30am with the Sports Physician, who will be able to inform her what is going on with her knee. She is so elated as now she does not have to wait until 10th August when her appointment originally was.

Thank you again to the many people who leave the most beautiful and encouraging comments, advice, their stories and quotes on my Blog, please know that I treasure each and every one.

'When I have my lowest lows, I know that your love will be there to keep me warm and remind me of the sunshine within'


Ali Davies said...

Hi Dainere

Sounds like your return to school wasn't as you would have liked with all the pain and lack of sleep etc.
I am sending you this Irish Blessing (it's one of my favourties) as I think the words are beautiful and particularly apt during challenging times. Hope you like it:


On the day when
The weight deadens
On your shoulders
And you stumble,
May the clay dance
To balance you.

And when your eyes
Freeze behind
The grey window
And the ghost of loss
Gets in to you,
May a flock of colours
Indigo, red, green
And azure blue
Come to awaken in you
A meadow of delight.

When the canvas frays
In the curach of thought
And a stain of ocean
Blackens beneath you,
May there come across the waters
A path of yellow moonlight
To bring you safely home.

May the nourishment of the earth be yours,
May the clarity of light be yours,
May the fluency of the ocean be yours,
May the protection of the ancestors be yours.

And so may a slow
Wind work these words
Of love around you,
An invisible cloak
To mind your life.

by John O'Donohue

Anonymous said...

Hi Dainere,

I have just finished reading your book so am finally caught up on the earlier part of your journey. It seems a very big storm that you are passing through, but I'm sure the rainbow is still on its way.

I am a science teacher and as I read your book and blog it amazes me how much science knowledge you have, because of your treatment. You might be missing classes but you would be streets ahead of your classmates in some ways! Perhaps biology will be something you will study someday.

I share your frustration in a small way about returning to school. I have been unwell and trying to return to full time work (at a high school) for the last couple of years. At first I thought I'd be back and doing everything within weeks, but the months slipped by... I can still only work part time now. Sometimes its hard to believe how little I'm doing yet, and how far there still is to go. Its not for a lack of trying though, and so I have to accept that it might be another year or so yet. I am sure you want to be back at school quickly and doing the 'normal' stuff that your friends can, but you are on a different journey of your own. Hang on tight to that determination of yours, but don't see it as failure if you have to change your goals a bit along the way to make them more realistic. Be proud of what you are achieving, we can all tell how hard you are working. Really I think that finding small successes along the way and always keeping on going matters more than a goal like being at school full time by a particular time.

I hope so much that you have some relief from the pain soon, it must make every day so difficult. I hope it helps a little to know that your determination and courage is inspiring a lot of other people.
Keep finding something to smile about :)

Wendy said...

Hi Daniere,

I just cannot work out how to buy your book. I have tried a couple of things but so far no luck. Is there a link I am missing somewhere?

And I to will now look at the temperature in Canberra regularly, that way I can try and imagine what sort of day you will be having.

One of my daughters lived in Canberra for a couple of years and I remember when I would visit how different the seasons were to what I was used to. Where we live further north, we don't have those defined changes in season like you do. I still think how interesting it was to watch the leaves fall in Autumn, they would be so thick on the ground that you could not see the gutters or roads, then the coldness and dark of winter with those crisp clear cold, blue sky days. And some days it looked like snow clouds in the distance, that greeny-grey colour. And as you go outside, the clean sharpness that hits your lungs and lets you see your own breath as a mist (I love that).

But then almost on the 1st of September you could see the buds coming on the trees and the days getting warmer. And all the little bulbs that had been planted were getting ready to bloom.

It's funny but I still look for the changes up here on the 1st of September but it all just seems to roll into one. And as for planting tulip bulbs and the like - I don't do that anymore as they just don't grow. But what I am going to do this week is go to the nursery and put some flowers in so they will be ready for those first warm days.

And going to school... being around our friends and being part of each others lives is something to be treasured and enjoyed. I do so wish for you to have a good nights sleep.

Anonymous said...

Dainere - you've had a busy and tiring return to school... Hope those new electives are exciting.

Bonjour mon aimee, comment allez vous? ( good day my friend, how are you?) My french is only basic but I love learning a different language and then trying to communicate with it.

I had a friend return from a holiday in Japan, where her husband ended up in hospital and no one in the hospital spoke english. She said it was really hard. That surprised me as I had assumed lots of Japanese spoke english. That's the dangerous thing about assumptions - they can be wrong.

I was going to suggest that if someone in your family could read your set book to you it might make it easier, but you were on top of that and had it worked out.

Anyway, just wanted to say hi and ramble on for a while. Take care, oh and thanks for the inspiration to have a nice cup of tea. I am just about to make a cup. Have you tried Scottish tea? It's blend I really like, even after having just tried it. Even better than Irish breakfast. Might be too strong in flavour for you though. Not sure, you've never blogged about your tea preferences! LOL.


Anonymous said...

I am sorry I have not commented lately! I just read all the posts that I had not yet read and am all up to date again! Work is really tiring...I have to wake at 5:30am to get ready and catch the bus to work. It is really fun though...I love getting to cuddle and play with all the gorgeous puppies, kittens and the rabbits! We have some really tiny Netherland Dwarf X Lop baby Rabbits at the moment. They are so tiny...and fluffy! Sometimes I brush their fur for them so they are always looking their best for potential mummies and daddies! They absolutely love cuddles and will sit on my lap for an hour and get brushed and cuddled! You would absolutely adore them...and we had some beautiful Ragdoll Kittens...They are real lap cats! Speaking of animals, how it Tinkerbelle? Merlin? Paris? Cosima? Our poor big boy Mojo has sore back teeth! We have to take him to the vet. It is so sad because Mini-Lyn passed away a week ago from having problems with her back teeth! I hope he will be okay! He is very brave and strong, but nowhere near as brave as you...I can't think of anyone who is.
Sorry we could not catch up during the holidays...we will have to have a coffee one Saturday afternoon or Sunday? Sounds like you have been pretty busy! I hate to hear that you are in pain and cannot sleep well at night. I really wish that I could take the pain, lock it up and throw away the key. You are so incredible...You have such a positive outlook on life and it would probably be a lot harder if you didn't.
You are absolutely amazing how you get out there and try to help others rather than sitting around feeling sorry for yourself! I really admire that!
Andrew and I love you very much and miss you!
Will call you soon,
Lots of love, hugs and kisses,
Your big sister ~L~ XoX
And your Brother-in-law Andrew XoX